LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!"

What lies at the center

The other day, a friend kindly pointed out that my battle with PTSD is not a sprint but rather; a long and painful marathon. While I know this to be true, those words resonated with me. As a result, it got me thinking about what lies at the center of my mental illnesses.

Over the years, I have often wondered what lead me down this road; what factors caused my health to veer so far off course? More importantly, what would the answer do to help contribute to a better way forward? Or, could my history simply be irreverent?

I, as time went on, I grew into a man with low self-esteem, low self-worth and absolutely terrified to try new things.

The only way to know for sure is to step out of my comfort zone and explore my past and thus, what impact, if any, has had on my life. But where does one start? So many questions.

Thankfully, my background in counselling has provided me with some options as to where to start. After careful consideration, I decided to start with the concept known as the inner child; a theory that we all have, within our subconsciousness mind, a child we used to be. Moreover, this inner child comes to the fore when our experiences illicit similar challenges from our youth.

What lies at the centre.

For example, as a boy, some adults in my life made me feel as though I couldn’t do anything right. As a result, my “inner child comes to the surface today when I perceive that someone is questioning my abilities.

Looking back on such incidents when I was a kid, I would react in anger when an adult would say; “You can’t do that.” Now, as a grown man, when something similar happens I get, you guessed it, angry.

While the answer isn’t as straight forward as I would like, it does seem, at least in part, to have its origins in my childhood.

As one might imagine, the damage was burned into my brain over time; its side effect was a life long belief that I am stupid and worthless. What’s worse is its damage is so great, that I often mistake legitimate assistance as I would have when I was growing up; as someone implying that I can’t do it.

Not only did I grow into the mindset that I was stupid, I, as time went on, grew into a man with low self-esteem, low self-worth and absolutely terrified to try new things.

How to build your self-confidence and self-worth

So, here we are, back at the question; the question of what lies at the center of where I am today?. While the answer isn’t as straight forward as I would like, it does seem, at least in part, to have its origins in my childhood.

if we delve into the by-product of this childhood treatment, it’s not hard to imagine that it is potentially the fertilizer that helped to cultivate my major depressive disorder.

We can heal when we know what it was that damaged us.

And, even though I tried my best to pick myself up and dust myself off, the accumulation of pain became ingrained; each time I was made to feel this way, the open wound would widen and cut a little deeper. Multiply that by forty years, heck, twenty years even and you’ve got a recipe for depression.

Wirth all the above in mind, I feel that exploring thw inner child has some real validiy. It may help you to uncover the source of your mental pain. In my example, we saw that my outbursts of anger appear to have come from my treatment in childhood.

So, if you’re at a loss as to why you are feeling the way you do; maybe its worth exploring what lies at the center. We can heal when we know what it was that damaged us.

In crisis? Call 1.833.456.4566 | Text 45645 (Crisis Services Canada) Crisis Services Canada

Want to help make my book a reality? Donate here: GoFundMe

Contact: The Road To Mental Wellness

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Going Against Your Grain


What lies between our ears is nothing short of amazing. Our brains are unlike any other animals on the planet. Its ability to reason and problem-solve, create and dream are top of the intellectual pecking order. 


Our neurology and its intellectual powers have provided us with a lifestyle unimaginable to our ancestors.  In fact, some argue that this is the best time in human history to be alive. We live in a so-called golden age thanks to a few key things. Technology at our fingertips and our most prized possession, money! It is after all, what makes the world go round, right?

Yep, this is the life, technology at our fingertips, easy access to all the yummy treats we can get our hands-on and Netflix, can’t forget about Netflix. I have never known war, never felt the pain of starvation and have never had a park bench for a bed. I believe the majority of us who have all the necessities in life are grateful for them, Yet we seem to be sick and unhappy, why? In our case, we will focus on mental health.

So then, why is mental illness conditions on the rise? why aren’t we living the eutopia mass marketing is promising us? Well, I believe that mass marketing has re-defined us in such a way that tells us that we are nothing without the latest and greatest gadgets, the newest, in-season apparel and dictates what the definition of beautiful is. All of these things don’t make us who we are, but they sure have us convinced that they do. Mental illness can rise out of never being good enough.

The impact of mass marketing on society

The negative impact materialism has on society is undeniable, yet in my opinion, it is not the most impactful on our mental health; rather, its the way we set about to buy the things that exacerbate and or contribute to mental illnesses, it’s our occupations for most of us. We are but a cog in a large wheel that few of us have a desire to be participating in.  


Going Against Your Grain is the reason I think so many suffer from within. We all have a “pipe dream” that we would all rather be doing, but alas, we need to do what it takes to put clothes on our backs and food in our bellies. 


If all you want to do in life is be a writer, a stay at home parent or a scientist, yet you slug along in a profession that is the polar opposite of your passion, I believe that going against your grain will produce anxiety and depression. For many, it will blossom into a disorder. 



We are dreamers and our mental wellbeing suffers when we can not fulfill the passion that burns within us. Perhaps we need to re-define what our passions are in terms of how they play a roll in our lives. Can’t do it for a living? make it a hobby, become an unofficial expert on what you love and most importantly, don’t let your fears stand in your way; if opportunity knocks…… Answer.


benefits of doing what you love.



if you are suffering from PTSD or another mental illness, please reach out. I thank you for your service and you are still worthy and mean something. I believe in you!

If you are struggling please go here: Crisis Services Canada


Want help fund my book? donate: GOFundMe – The Road To Mental Wellness – The book


You may also enjoy: Slowly Walking My Way To Mental Wellness.


Contact me on my Facebook page: facebook.com/TRTMW


Check out my friend’s blog here: anewdawnaa.com




Real Time Traumatic Trigger.


Today I am meeting with an old high school friend for lunch, one I have kept in touch with for all these years. I am sitting at a table waiting for them, surrounded by a see of lunchtime patrons enjoying time with their friends and loved ones.

As beautiful as a time they all appear to be having, the byproduct of all their commotion is reverberating right through to the core of my PTSD.
My PTSD shot off like a track star at the starting line of a race when I first entered the restaurant and was met with a blood-curdling scream from the mouth of a toddler.
Recommended ReadingThe Body Keeps The Score


Instantly triggered and with nowhere to go because my dinner mates have not yet arrived, I am trapped and must deal. Can I though? Voices are coming from every direction and effectively making every individual conversation a foreign language to me ears, stimulus overload.
The busy of this establishment, that is also blessed with a severe echoing quality, one that intensifies the chatter, is the reason this blog post was born; it wasn’t only because it sprung the idea to life, but rather, it’s an attempt to centre myself, so I don’t tell everyone to quiet down. (With choice language).  I also have no qualms about plugging my ears, how it looks be damned.
…… A few days later. The above paragraph was the final one written in the restaurant because the friend I was expecting arrived and I had to stop writing. However, by the time he’s shown to the table, I was shaking and shutdown. So much so, that I remember our lunch in tiny fragments because my mind was too busy dodging the overstimulating reality that surrounded us. The pieces I do remember were when I forcibly allowed my mind to be venerable enough so as not to be robbed of the entire dining experience with this old friend. 
Although I was able to physically make it through the entire ordeal, my mental illnesses are still a very formidable foe and like a game of mental tug of war, I found myself being drug over the line throughout the entire experience. Fortunately, I can pull myself back and be present. Sadly, I am not where close to where I need to be to fully appreciate life in a more normal sense. I am only at the point where I can, with great difficulty making it through the chaos that a packed room full of people and their collective conversations create.

There was no escape and there seems to be no escaping the anxiety and the real-time PTSD triggers. But dammit, I will continue plowing down the road to mental wellness and I shall overcome; even if it’s just long enough to see an old friend.

if you are suffering from PTSD or another mental illness, please reach out. I thank you for your service and you are still worthy and mean something. I believe in you!

If you are struggling please go here: Crisis Services Canada


Want help fund my book? donate: GOFundMe – The Road To Mental Wellness – The book

Want more? Please go to my Books On Mental Illness Page.
You may also enjoy: But a Mere Crawl: Slowly making my way towards mental wellness.

Contact me on my Facebook page: facebook.com/TRTMW