End of another chapter

end of another chapter

Early last week, I had an over the phone appointment with my psychiatrist. It was brief and bittersweet. Little did I know, at the start of the conversation, that this appointment would be my last. She explained to me that she had done all she could. Finally, I’ve come to the end of another chapter.

The long road we travelled together, started in 2018, barely a month after I went off work. I consider myself lucky; we meshed right from the start. However, it would turn out that my relationship with the SSRIs she prescribed, would do anything but get along with me.

What makes a good therapist

Moreover, I would put myself through a pharmaceutically induced hell. As fate would have it, nearly every treatment option failed. Despite this, I soldiered on Pill after pill, I clung to the hope that this time, this would be the one; the one that eased my depression, minimize the toucher that comes with PTSD and ultimately saving my life.

this little tiny pill would become a double-edged sword.

Alas, this was not to be and no matter the level of hope, it was soon dashed by the results; or should I say the lack thereof. Fortunately, it wouldn’t take long for my psychiatrist to figure out what my Achilles heel

So then, what was it that made this aspect of my healing journey such a difficult one? Well, Ironically, it was a medication. I have epilepsy and have been on an anticonvulsant since I was thirteen.

Read Medication, at an Impasse

With it, came an opportunity to plan out and live a normal life because it, lucky for me, completely controlled my seizures. Even to this very day, I am grateful for the life it gave me.

However, this little tiny pill would become a double-edged sword for me. While I got through my day to day relatively unscathed because of it, my slow and slippery slide into the realm of mental illness would be complicated by it.

End of another chapter.

I have been fortunate to have lived the life i have.

As fate would have it, the anticonvulsant I am on would prevent almost all attempts to help me moderate the symptoms of my mental health conditions; for the most part at least. How ironic, a medication that helps me to live was now hindering my healing.

On the positive side, my psychiatrist went the distance with me. She could have handed my care back over to my GP much sooner but wanted to find a solution. Although finding the med that worked for me was largely trial and error; I would have to say that many months of sedation and other side effects were worth it in the end. My psychiatrist was awesome and did her utmost to help; even advocating for me in other ways; often contacting WCB on my behalf. Although this is essentially the end of another chapter, I can move on knowing that we both put up a good fight.

So please, Don’t give up on yourself.

Despite the battle, we did, however, find some meds that somewhat help. Sure, I could be disappointed but I choose to be grateful. While they may not be wonder drugs, they do help quell the suicidal ideation. Personally, I’d call that a win. My friends, going the distance does indeed pay off.

So then, what’s the moral of this chapter in my life? Well, firstly, I now know that if you persist and advocate for yourself, you will eventually get the help you need. Furthermore, I have come to learn that there are some committed, compassionate mental health professionals out there who only want to help and make a difference.

So please, Don’t give up on yourself, the system our the professionals, for they may help you get to the end of another chapter.

Want to help make my book a reality? Donate here: GoFundMe

Contact: The Road To Mental Wellness

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a moment of disassociation.

A Moment of Disassociation

Yesterday, I had a moment of disassociation. I awoke to a pounding headache and a huge weight of dread made me unfocused and slow to move. Despite this feeling, I sat in front of my computer and did my best to write a blog post; but the screen remained pure white.

This dread, it powered me down into safe mode, protecting my brain from overproducing too much emotion. So, what lye at the core of this emergency shutdown? My kids, I haven’t seen them in weeks so sometimes, it’s gut-wrenchingly difficult. I had a micro panic when I thought about the potential length of time would go by before I saw them again. Could this have been the catalyst?

Be kind to yourself, ok.

Moreover, my track record for handling new pain and old alike has been, well, let’s just say if I was being graded, I would have a solid D. With that said, my old brain has to cope somehow and because I am far from mentally robust; a moment of disassociation was its only defence.

How to cope while in the middle of a pandemic

Hardly a superpower, I found myself looking at the computer screen but not. I was somewhere else, gone and lost in a sort of protective mental safe space; my surrounding environment closed in on me like walls in an ancient pyramid. I likened it to a small child hiding in the perceived safety of a closet.

Want to hear the stories of others battling mental illness? Go to A New Dawn.

a moment of disassociation

As to how much time went by, I can’t say, all I do know is something brought me back. Something, whatever it was, lifted the trance. From there, I started taking inventory of all the things around me; this was in an effort to fully restore me to reality.

Hey, you’ve made it this far.

Mindfulness was a lifesaver in this case, as it often is; I am grateful for the skills I have acquired that help me zero in on the present especially after such a moment of disassociation.

I think its perfectly natural to have your mental health condition buzzing at high alert given the times we’re in, so be kind to yourself, ok. We are in fact in uncharted waters with this outbreak, you will be triggered, depressed, anxious and yes, some may even have a moment of disassociation. What’s important is to use your coping skills and understand that mental illness can be all about riding the wave. It will wash over you and you will come out the other side of it to fight another day. Hey, you’ve made it this far.

Want to help make my book a reality? Donate here: GoFundMe

Contact: The Road To Mental Wellness

Like what you read? Check out Medications – At an Impase.

If I’m Being Honest

If I am being honest, especially with myself, I can win the day.

Every now and again, it’s good to take a moment and ask yourself; Am I really being honest with myself and with those around me? As uncomfortable as the truth may be, it’s difficult to grow without it. So, today, I am going to do my best to come clean.

As of late, I find myself unwilling to confront my inner turmoil, a devastating depression that has embedded itself deep within. Perhaps I’m hesitant is because of its level of intensity.

It’s so troubling in fact, that I remain silent largely because I don’t know what to do with it. You see, I have never been this way before and to be honest, I’m finding it difficult

In my view, managing the pain can get us to a place where we can feel emboldened

Equally troubling is the duration of this episode. It’s held me captive now for well over a month, producing a mind-numbing, non-feeling effect that I just can’t seem to shake.

The good news? I will eventually wrap my head around it enough to mould it into words and make sense of its intensity. But for now, I continue to go through the motions hoping that I will come around in time for Christmas. I am determined to enjoy the day!

If I’m Being honest

I think it’s ok if we can’t always figure out the way of mental illness pain; rather, it becomes more important to deal with the feelings, right here, right now.

In my view, managing the pain can get us to a place where we can feel emboldened to talk it out. If my experience has taught me anything, it’s this; I can not deal with anything when my mental health conditions are at a seven, eight or nine. It’s just too much.

Ways to manage mental illness pain

All of these elements are simply being honest with myself, I gotta be real if I’m gonna heal. Yes, It’s uncomfortable and yes, its true; discomfort makes us want to retreat but, let’s be honest, do you really want to be a level eight or nine as often as you are? I’m willing to wager that your answer is no. You may not feel it, but it is within you to make your life better, I know you can.

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Want to help make my book a reality? Donate here: GoFundMe

Contact: The Road To Mental Wellness