LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!"

Leave me the f*** alone!”

Just leave me the F*** alone

One thing that I have always found both sad and interesting about my own mental health journey; is the paradigm between the health benefits of sleep and the lack thereof. Just imagine how much better life would be if nightmares didn’t constantly intrude on good night sleep?

It certainly appears to me, that the key to better mental health is a solid regime of good night’s sleep over a long period of time. It is often said that consistency is key. This, as far as I can tell, especially holds true for good mental health and the quality of rest one receives.

Benefits of sleep on mental health.

It’s damn sad really, this thing called PTSD. As time goes on I’ve grown to loath it yet, I have failed over and over to put distance between myself and the most tragic, and painful scenes I have ever strapped on the gear and responded to.

Read: Nightmares Aftermath.

Often, I hear myself saying inside my head, “please, just leave me the f*** alone!” Similarly, I find myself verbalizing near identical statements when flashbacks invade my mind, my eyes and my heart. Especially when I’m driving.

A complete list of PTSD symptoms.

LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!"
LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!”

Well it’s true, cursing and swearing, yelling and retreating never seems to be the cure; it is nonetheless is my desperate effort at trying to get through some of the most unbearable and vivid memories. Oh, and I would give anything to have my physical symptoms disappear. I get tired of having headaches, random extremity pains and this god-awful tightness that is so bad, my back and shoulders are full of knots.

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With all this said, I will once again close my eyes and begin the long nightly ritual of tossing and turning, of waking and being frightened. Not only will I try tonight with the hope that tonight will be “the night,” I will continue tomorrow night and the night after and the night after that. For I have purpose, I have love and I am supported. Therefore, I shall find the strength too soldier on.

ABOUT THE BOOK

It’s finally ready.

I am excited to share that the i’Mpossible Project’s Lemonade Stand: Volume III (is available for order… today. Like, right now

I’ll be honest: This is pretty big. I, Josh, and Kathleen, have been curating this book for more than a year—fiddling with the right combination of stories, authors, and concepts. Kathleen and I have put our everything into this book. Absolutely everything. And you’re getting a little of us as well as the twenty incredible authors and stories when you get this book. It was exhausting and wonderful and a once-in-a-lifetime process to produce this book, and I am just now getting the confirmation I hoped for: It was all so incredibly worth it. Thank you for that. 

Josh Rivedal and Kathleen Myre

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MDD And The Absence Of Sleep .

Lack of sleep

For the best part of a week and a half, I have lived among the millions of people who experience the better bulk of their lives in the wee hours of the morning. Their reasons for being night dwellers undoubtedly vary from person to person, maybe it’s an accumulation of stress, work requirements or even a mental disorder. Yet, others live in the darkness voluntarily, known as night hawks.

While night hawks claim to function best when the world is shrouded in darkness, I take no pleasure in it. I especially detest my own personal darkness, a dark that has overridden my ability to sleep, granting me one or two hours a night. In my waking hours, I have been consumed by the heavy dread of depression. This depressive episode has been one of the longest and most painful to date. I have ventured outside of my home only a few times since it settled in unannounced.
One thing I have noticed about this particularly troubling bout of sadness is how mentally weak I feel. I have seldom had the depressive symptoms overpower me to the degree where the simplest tasks seemed daunting. No doubt the sleep deprivation played a role.
Working its way from the inside out, depression knew exactly what it was doing. It systematically robbed me of my confidence, my compassion and my ability to write. Simply put, I didn’t care. Missing out on some normally enjoyable obligations is something I rarely do, however, this time, it really didn’t matter. It was as though my emotional centre was stricken with sickness and then flatlined. I was incapable of feeling guilty for staying home, guilt is my typical response to missing out on things; I wasn’t able to feel anything, to be honest.
More on depression

I’m quickly learning that major depressive disorder and the absence of sleep have devastating consequences. Its as though a mental anesthesiologist injected me with the inability to feel any emotion whatsoever, well, except extreme sadness.
The importance of sleep was not lost upon me, nor was my resolve to get through this depressive episode. Despite the significant lack of sleep, I have tried to keep my cognitive wits about me, I know that none of the mental illness episodes I experience consume me forever, so I was confident that I would weather this storm. I would put earphones in my ears and play some relaxing music, try the couch and even read. All proved helpful to a minimal degree but some sleep is better than none.
So, If you are going through something similar, know that it will pass and that there are things you can do to minimize the impact of a depressive episode and lack of sleep. Mindfulness usually works for me; reading and gentle music, rain or ocean sounds may also be very helpful. I think it’s important to keep in mind that long bouts of any mental health condition will pass. Just ride the wave, try these techniques and you will emerge victoriously!

Want more? Please go to my Books On Mental Illness Page.

You may also enjoy: But a Mere Crawl: Slowly making my way towards mental wellness.

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