Today, I write this blog post from the comfort of my couch. I am stricken with dizzy spells and exhaustion; an inconvenience that prevents me from standing. Sadly, this has become all too familiar. However, despite what you are thinking, this inflection is not an illness; rather, it is the direct result of fighting for my life.
More specifically, I am currently coming off a drug, Sertraline and slowly introducing another antidepressant. This change is yet another attempt of many to get me running down the road to mental wellness. The Irony here is that I am too sedated to get out of my own way.
“I fight on because when I look up, I see all those I love and all those I hold near and dear.“
I know that many may not agree with me when I say I am fighting for my life; that’s fine. However, there’s more than one way to look at the long battle to live. for example, fighting to get back on track after having your life come flying off the track due to, in my case mental illness; while others are going toe to toe with a serious physical ailment.
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One thing that physical and mental illnesses have in common is that both can sometimes have dire consequences, especially if left untreated. In fact, one of the main reasons I have survived is that I sought out a multitude of treatment options.
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Of course, I can’t speak for others, I can only speculate that their struggle is similar to my own. For me, I’ve been at war since I was a boy. And, If I had to be honest with myself, I’m tired.
Exhausted from what is essentially a lifetime in the trenches; a lifetime therapist after therapist and trying one medication after another. Now, at forty-four, I sometimes have doubts as to whether or not I will emerge the victor. It’s a thought that I’m sure many people struggle with.
When one has a mental illness, winning one battle, one moment at a time is a victory.
I am fighting for my life because this PTSD thing has latched on and uses me as its host to survive, the depression, it reaches from within to ensure there is no way I can shake either one. With a firm grip and a resolve to conquer my life, I fight on because when I look up, I see all those I love and all those I hold near and dear.
So, I will press on, continue to take on my internal conflict with all the strength I can muster. Because life isn’t all about me, it’s filled with people who love me. This is all I need to get up and fight on! Fight on my friends, fight on.
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