One of the most difficult aspects of living with post-traumatic stress disorder is a near-constant feeling that impending danger lurks around every corner, every car that passes me on the highway and everyone I meet is a candidate for a potential tragedy, thus potentially putting me in the position to render assistance.
For similar stories, go here: Battles with PTSD
I know, the ignition point of all this fear, is merely interior storytelling, but it doesn’t stop me from shutting down and disassociating. Actually, the word fear is only accurate when describing my good days. If I was being honest, I would have to admit that I am petrified that fate will place me in the throes of an emergency once more, leaving me little choice but to spring into action like I had for so many years, except, well… I can’t. I know that I can’t.
This blog post has taken me much longer to write because it’s so triggering and again, being honest, this PTSD thing, it really breaks my heart. The fear of an impending emergency allows whatever coping skills I have acquired to be taken by the dark and replaced by a depressive episode. I hate that I am rendered useless and incapable of helping people in the way I had dedicated most of my life doing, I feel broken and it feels although my identity has been stolen by such deep, deep despair.
So, I feel somewhat angered when I see people unnecessarily speeding by me on the highway, taking everyone else s life in their hands with a 3000 pound (1.36 ton) hunk of metal on wheels, wheels that I’m betting haven’t been checked in god knows how long.
I am easily dismissed by many when I use the speeding car example, but, dammit, I have seen what speeding does to people and their lives as a result. It makes me angry and I find myself growing increasingly more resentful of humanity for its inability to see the potential damage the lack of common sense can do. secretly, deep inside I loath that this lack of common sense will place me in a scenario in which I am mentally ill-equipped to deal with. I am worried about impending danger all around me because I fear what one more tragic incident will do my mental well-being.
I can’t help but feel like, because I have sacrificed myself to help others, that the world around me gives little to no thought about myself or others who respond to pick up the pieces of an emergency that in a lot of cases, could have been prevented. The results of these, oftentimes careless moments, are literally destroying the lives of an untold amount of emergency service workers. So before you text and driver again or speed to get somewhere, please think of the potential lives you could destroy. Your families, someone else’s and yes, that of EMS workers.
Now, I muddle through the world like an accident victim wandering around the scene in shock. This is what being faced with Impending danger: Psychological shock is what’s produced. I must learn to accept that the days of helping others in this capacity are long gone… An Ongoing process that saddens me to the core.
In an upcoming article, I will discuss what I do to heal.
If you are suffering from PTSD, please reach out. I thank you for your service and you are still worthy and mean something. I believe in you!
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