Our thoughts aren’t always facts – Do you not like yourself? If not, what evidence do you have that you’re not a good person? In this post, we help you uncover your truth
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When you think about it, our first home is the one in our heads. After all, it is the first place we learn how to walk, talk, and forge relationships with others. But it’s more than that, it is a place where we figure out who we are.
With genetics and social inputs shaping our thoughts, we morph into the person the world gets to know. None of which is more impactful than in our formative years. In our youth, there is so much to learn and depending on, let’s say, the environment we grow up in, our thoughts will shape our views of ourselves. Not only how we see ourselves but how we interact with the world. In saying that, we aren’t always good at knowing who we are.
Take the example of “I say it like it is.” Individuals who adopt this way of being often confuse this behavior for who they are. In reality, those who take pride in this communication style, often mistake it for a part of their personality.
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Not so, often those who tell the world exactly how they think are great people. Sadly, they are hurting inside. Therefore, their “tell it like it is” mantra is more likely to be a defense mechanism. Because they are people with big feelers, often highly sensitive to injustice, they mistake their response to it as who they are.
That’s why it’s important to remember that our thoughts aren’t always facts. We are often way harder on ourselves than necessary. If for instance, you don’t like who you are as a person, what evidence do you have to support your claim?
Most of us are decent, caring human beings. So, if you want to find out if what you think about yourself is true, call attention to it. Go on – try to prove that your perception of yourself is accurate.
How to tell if you’re a good person
Below is a chart where you can check off the things you like about you and the things you dislike. Check off which ones apply to you.
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| What I Like About Myself | What I Dislike About Myself |
|---|---|
| [ ] I am compassionate towards others. | [ ] I often procrastinate and struggle with time management. |
| [ ] I am a good listener and friend. | [ ] I can be overly critical of myself and others. |
| [ ] I am dedicated to my goals and work hard to achieve them. | [ ] I struggle with anxiety and stress management. |
| [ ] I am creative and enjoy expressing myself through art. | [ ] I can be too self-critical and struggle with self-doubt. |
| [ ] I am open-minded and enjoy learning new things. | [ ] I have a tendency to be indecisive and struggle with making choices. |
| [ ] I am honest and value integrity. | [ ] I have a hard time speaking up for myself and setting boundaries. |
| [ ] I am empathetic and understanding of others’ perspectives. | [ ] I can be quick to judge or make assumptions. |
| [ ] I have a good sense of humor and enjoy making others laugh. | [ ] I struggle with maintaining a healthy work-life balance. |
| [ ] I am responsible and reliable. | [ ] I have a tendency to be too hard on myself and set unrealistic expectations. |
| [ ] I am independent and value my alone time. | [ ] I can be stubborn and resistant to change. |
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What I find about the people I encounter is, they acknowledge all their good qualities, like the ones on the left here, but don’t embrace them. Whereas the opposite is true with qualities on the right. They internalize them and allow them to become a part of who they think they are.
But why is this? What are the reasons why we can’t celebrate that we are in fact “honest and trustworthy?” for example.
The Negativity bias
Negative bias, also known as negativity bias, is a cognitive phenomenon where individuals tend to give greater weight and attention to negative experiences and information than positive ones. In other words, negative events, emotions, and information have a stronger impact on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior than positive ones.
Negative bias is believed to have evolved as a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors to detect and respond to potential threats in their environment. The ability to quickly recognize and respond to danger was critical for survival, and therefore negative information was given greater importance and attention.
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However, in modern times, this bias can lead to negative thinking patterns, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. For example, a person may dwell on a negative comment they received all day, while dismissing multiple compliments they received from others. This can lead to low self-esteem, decreased motivation, and an overall negative outlook on life.
And…. You probably guessed it, our innate lean towards negative thinking can produce a lie about ourselves like: “I hate who I am.” And thereby proving our thoughts aren’t always facts.
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Negative bias can also impact decision-making, as individuals may be more likely to focus on potential negative outcomes rather than positive ones. This can lead to risk aversion, reluctance to try new things, and missed opportunities.
To counteract negative bias, it is important to consciously focus on positive experiences, practice gratitude, and challenge negative thoughts through cognitive-behavioral techniques such as reframing and thought stopping. Seeking support from a mental health professional can also be helpful in developing coping strategies and changing negative thought patterns.
Essentially, we have social learning, genetics, evolution, and ancient origins that can prioritize the negative. So, if you want to dispel the negative notions in your head, you have to teach yourself that you are a good person.
How to accept that you are a good person.
As mentioned above, there are many reasons why our thoughts aren’t always facts. Moreover, I have included some ways to overcome our false perceptions of the self. Like cognitive reframing for example. With that said, here are some questions that may help:
Questions to ask yourself (get your pen and paper ready)
A. What evidence do I have that I am actually a bad person?
B. What qualities make a good person and how many of those good qualities do I have?
C. Does hating to tell someone no, for example, really an indication that I am not a good person? What is really behind not wanting to say no to others? Ie. Is it fear of conflict, fear of being disliked?
D. Are the negative thoughts I have, like that in figure 1:1 really personality traits? Do they define me as a person, or am I allowing them to produce inaccurate feelings that mask who I really am?
F. Knowing that our thoughts aren’t always facts, is it possible that I am wrong about me being a bad person? Moreover, can the possibility exist that you are a good person and if so, what are those things that make you a good person?
Additionally, you may find it helpful to write a list of the following
| What Makes a Person a Good Person? | What Qualities in Column A Do I Also Have? |
|---|---|
| What Can I Do to Enhance My Good Qualities? | What Can I Do to Improve the Things I Dislike About Myself? |
|---|---|
The good news
Odds are, you have less reason to dislike yourself and more reason to give yourself permission to say, “I am a good person.” So, go ahead, get to know the kind and caring person you really are and watch yourself transform into a better, stronger, and happier you.
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