The 5 love languages – Could you and your partner be incompatible? Or is it because you don’t understand each other’s language of love?
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“I just want his love and affection.” “Why won’t she love me the way I want her to?” I’m sure that there are some of you out there who have wondered this, or maybe even confided something similar to a friend?
Moreover, you may have felt like someone you love may not be communicating the way you want them to. Nor do they seem to be attentive to your needs.
When we feel like our partner, our parents, siblings or other people we care about aren’t noticing our emotional needs, it can be disheartening. Not only can it be disheartening, but it can also degrade our mental health. It’s not uncommon for seemingly incompatible couples to spiral into depression or develop a prolonged stint of anxiety.
Undoubtedly by now, you have heard of the term love language. We all have one. Whether we know it or not, we have our own needs when it comes to being loved. Maybe it’s time you got to know them?
5 types of love languages
- words of affirmation,
- acts of service,
- receiving gifts,
- quality time,
- physical touch
While we can desire a combination of these languages, we often prioritize or have a primary one. For example, words of affirmation are my primary love language. In other words, someone’s verbal expression of their love for me makes me feel more loved than anything else.
In my case, words matter just as much as their actions. So then, you may be wondering what your own love language is? Well, when someone does one of these five things, which one makes you feel loved and appreciated?
Take a deeper dive into the 5 love languages.
Before I go any further, it’s worth noting that things are never cut-and-dried with relationships. So, while this can be very helpful in learning more about the loved ones in your life, it’s wise to seek out therapy. Especially, for ongoing issues, whilst at the same time, attempting to learn one’s love preferences.
Misconceptions
Despite the 5 love languages being developed so one could better understand their, let’s say, partner’s languages, it has, like so many things today, been internalized. In other words, people are using it as a “personality test.”
Essentially, a metric to try and understand your partner has been hijacked by people to communicate who they are. Its intention was never that of self-focus. However, I’m not surprised, as “the self” seems to have taken priority over all other things in society today.
Personal example:
The Relationship with my dad.
Being a Gen Xer, I grew up in a household that was built on the value of hard work over anything – my dad being a product of the 50s. And in that time, children and men’s feelings for that matter were not on the top of the list to deal with. At least, not one-on-one.
As a result, his parenting style was that of a provider. Not in a man-first type of way; he just worked so much and was home so little. We latchkey kids called it workaholism. In his view, he was being a good father… And this is true.
So, being a highly sensitive young fella, I was more attuned with my emotions. Although I must admit, as a kid I had no labels for them. Therefore, it may come as no surprise that I was wired for affection.
In fact, it’s all I wanted going back as far as I can remember. My dad, on the other hand? Well, besides working day and night, he was quiet and never had too much fatherly advice to offer. And at that time, back in the 80s, our differences in wiring was something I couldn’t understand. As a result, I low-key resented him.
Cue the age of wisdom!
It wasn’t until I was an adult and armed with a counseling background that I learned to accept my father fully. And when I learned about the 5 love languages, it all made sense.
See, what I didn’t yet mention is that my dad has always come to my rescue. Whether it be pulling me out of a ditch at 3am, or helping me renovate my home, he was there – always. Looking back on it, I am so grateful for everything he’s ever done for me.
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So, while I was looking for words of affirmation (my love language) his expression of love is through acts of service. Learning this was a game-changer because it helped me see that, “yes, my dad really does love me.”
Nowadays, we get along so much better – and as a result, there is a certain peace that I feel inside because of it.
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So, here we have a case where learning one’s way of how they express their love can enhance a relationship. Will my dad ever be the dad I desperately wanted as a kid? No, but knowing that his love is unconditional and true? Well, it means more to me than words in any language can express.
Which one of the 5 love languages does your father, mother, sister, or partner have? Learning which one they speak can melt away any challenges you may have. Just embrace it – and you will feel it too.
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