Let me cry – Despite having battled PTSD for three months, I just can’t cry!
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Hey folks, as half of the year has gone, I hope your life is going like one good roller coaster ride because mine has been bizarre. I have completed my three months of PTSD, but the fight seems so long that I am unable to cry. I want to let out my emotions in the form of tears, but they don’t come.
Too numb to cry, too numb to feel the tears. I am sailing through the waves that are sometimes smooth and sometimes too rough to face. I don’t know what PTSD wants from me, I am trying my best to defeat this shitty demon, but sometimes I fail miserably, and that’s the part where I feel like giving up. But then there is this inner voice that keeps me going, but for the past two-three days that sound is kinda fading away and I’m scared to lose it.
The flashbacks of my trauma are killing me, I never talk about them, but PTSD makes sure my day or rather days are ruined by thinking about them. I am trying my uber best to fight all the ordeals but somehow this time I am losing it. I am being super honest, I kinda feel like giving up because I am done fighting and I want to cry my heart out, but PTSD isn’t letting it happen and it is killing me.
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I don’t know how to survive this storm but all I know is I can’t give up for a simple reason I promised my dog a healthy and safe life and I can’t let her down. My dog is the biggest motivating factor for me to be alive. I don’t know if she would not have been there, how would I have survived my depression earlier and now PTSD. Life and its never-ending fights, I am tired.
The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me, our souls contain more scar tissue than life. My heartbroken self is too weak to keep fighting this storm, but there aren’t any other options.
To live, I have to knock this goddamn demon down. Slowly and gradually, I think, it will happen but till then I hope I don’t lose hope. It’s not easy healing yourself and observing reality without projection or delusion, it takes work that takes effort. It ain’t easy my friend.
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These past three months have been very weird of observing the kind of triggers I have faced. PTSD acts weird. Sometimes I just kinda faint while sitting, sometimes my heart beats way too fast I feel as if I might have a heart attack and sometimes it makes me too numb to even think or do anything. I want it to make me cry and release my emotions, but it isn’t happening.
And it kinda started bothering me. I feel way too lonely and hurt, craving for that hug and love but nothing is happening, so I kinda suppress my feelings and try to move on. I hate this aspect of me where I feel helpless and unable to express what I want or wish. PTSD, please spear me for once and let me cry out loud. The only thing I want right now is to cry my heart out. Feeling way too lonely and lost.
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On the other note, I am just learning to accept the things I just can’t change. But as Dr Janina Scarlet says, “allowing yourself to have the full spectrum of emotions is a response to what life might bring so that you can better navigate the way you go about things and move closer to what you care about and be able to stand up for what you believe in.” Gradually getting used to it.
I believe we are allowed to feel however one feels for however long it takes. And that is the moment where one must find the root of his/her inner strength. Every life-changing experience can be excruciating, and one must give oneself the permission to grieve or process the events in a way that makes sense to them. I am owning my truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable. It’s my life, and I am the hero of my own story. Fighting all odds, one day at a time. Hoping that one day I cry and let my tears flow for a brighter tomorrow. As it says rain falls because the clouds can no longer take its heaviness, just like our tears… it falls because the heart can no longer take the pain.
Ending this blog with a quote –
My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has made me better equipped to face the present.
– Steve Goodier
Hopefully, I will cry soon!
Sending you lots of love, courage, and hope. See you next time ❤
Message from Jonathan.
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