I am a good person, and feeling lonely isn’t an ending – it’s a blank slate. And for this lonely to improve, I must seek out peace.Tweet
.Main image credit Emotions by Lars Meiertoberens from NounProject.com
Depression: there are so many moments where I have felt worthless and lost. A fact which I have come to learn is normal. While these feelings suck on their own, the ones I have found toughest are the feelings of lonely and isolated.
What’s particularly damning for me is the association I have with the feeling of lonely. While it’s difficult for me to comment on anyone else’s depressive situation, having PTSD makes lonely feel haunting.
I think it may be because I am left alone to battle the demons that dance around in my head. What’s more is the undeniable dread that has taken up residency in not just my mind, but my body too. I hate feeling all this at once. So much so, I unintentionally wallow in it.
So, there’s yet another vicious cycle I didn’t need nor want. It’s like, “who the ef invited you to this party of one?” Get what I’m saying? Many parties raging on in the inside, one person trying to cope.
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Haunting! Why haunting? Well, since my memories serve me far too well, and for so many years, they are ghostly. For starters, I never know when they will pop up, or when for that matter. And since trauma has left me in a state of constant fear and hypervigilance, I feel, well, haunted.
And in my case anyways, there is no ritual, no magic spell that can wish it away, and there’s no religious conversion to guide me through. Sadly, my darkest hours are my own. My friends, there is no cure, much less a miracle.
However, I do have many things in my favor. Chief among them is hope. But it’s far from the only thing – thankfully.
Second to hope is my support system; made up of some amazing friends and unbelievable family. I am here, still fighting because I know that I am not truly all alone.
I guess if there was something that came close to a ritual for healing, it would have to be therapy. Without it, I would have lost the war on mental illness a long time ago. While it’s true that it does take courage, once you find the right therapist, your fear will wash away.
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While there are many other things that help – exercise and so on – perspective is something new to me. And it all started with this question: How do you combat chaos and turmoil? The answer? Peace and enlightenment, of course.
Now, for me, this doesn’t look like a god or anything of that nature; rather, it’s two things. Letting go and putting myself in places of calm and rejuvenation. Woods, reading, mindfulness etc. To be enlightened is that peace for me where I gain more knowledge about myself.
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I am a good person, and feeling lonely isn’t an ending – it’s a blank slate. And for this lonely to improve, I must seek out peace.
Furthermore, the majority of the time, I find loneliness to be the peace I am searching for. As long as I remember that isolation can be damaging to one’s mental health, I will force myself to be social. Forced socialization is something I would recommend to anyone. Additionally, being alone allows you to recuperate from the said forced socialization. What’s more, did you get to customize your level of tolerance.
Finally, loneliness and isolation can be an opportunity rather than a dreadful experience. Lonely, a blank slate, coupled with a desire to move forward can help one heal.