I am a superhero, somewhat. Or am I? I do know one thing: PTSD has made me burn down some of the most important relationships in my life.
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So, my life is such at the moment that all I can envision is the badass in a movie, walking his thick and chiseled frame away from the explosion he set in motion with a match.
Just so you all know, a match can never cause an entire plane to become a raging inferno. Basic fire behaviour, right, my fellow firefighters?
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Nonetheless, the make-believe artistry of Hollywood illustrates my life, almost to a T. Why? Well, it seems to me that I have, like an action hero, been leaving a trail of destruction behind me everywhere I go.
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Anyone with trauma can tell you it’s a sucky scenario. It’s not unlike an old carnival ride – things can go south in any given moment.
And surely, I can’t be the only one imploding my life as I go? Maybe, but somehow, I doubt it.
Man, I’ve messed up a lot this year, well, okay, likely longer. I have said goodbye to people who were friends, and not just in a “sit down, we have to talk” kind of way, but rather, in an abrupt and sometimes-brutal way.
Now, I know what you are thinking: “Why the hell did you do that?” Honestly, I haven’t a clear idea why.
I can say this, however. That the level of mistrust is at an all-time high – so combine that with an anxious mind and a fear of messing up, and you got the gas, the match, and the plane.
I know, on an intellectual level, that many people are so busy, and I am off work – so in other words, I have loads of time to think, while those I hold dear don’t have the time to think. Still, certain thoughts go through this trauma-ridden mind.
What goes through my head?
- “I wonder what I have done?”
- “Did I say something that offended or made someone mad at me?”
- “If no one bothers to get a hold of me, maybe it’s me?”
Oh God, I hope I’m not one of those chronically annoying people. Maybe? So much uncertainty.
When the rumination is allowed out of its cage, so too is a marked increase in agitation. With that said, if I compared it to a fever, I would consider it low-grade. Still, it’s enough for me to light the proverbial dumpster on fire.
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So, basically, I’m superhero but not. More accurately, I’m what some would call a hot mess. Or am I? I would be lying if I said that I haven’t felt the hot sting of self-hatred. While I have at times been my own worst fan, I have reminded myself that trauma manifests itself in much the way I described above. Mistrust, self-sabotaging and critical of the self, among others. So, should I really be so hard on myself? No. Should I instead work on healing, especially since I am aware that PTSD is carpet-bombing my world? Absolutely!
Read: Break free from PTSD
I guess when I put it that way, I must be the superhero in my own story and maybe, just maybe, I will find the strength to ignite trauma’s symptoms and walk away as the less-bulky, not-so-Hollywood-hunky hero that wins the day!
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