The constant terror

It’s wearing me out, the constant terror. From loud streets to banging dishes, I perceive everything as a threat.

Jonathan Arenburg
Jonathan Arenburg

Jonathan is a mental health blogger, published author, and speaker. He has appeared in numerous newspapers and has been a guest on many podcasts.

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I won’t lie – there are many aspects of PTSD that I hate! Chief among them is the grip it has on me. Man, it’s so tight, it’s damn near a death grip. With that said, there are many things about this disorder I detest. I often say to myself. “I hate that it’s messing with my freedom.”

Next on the list is PTSD’s startle response. I am so saddened by the constant terror I experience, just simply walking down the street. Even though I do my best to be social, I am not very good at it. And it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s just that being scared out of my skin twenty times a day acts as fuel for my depression. With every jump, the darkness engulfs me. Most times, from the inside out.

While this is a special kind of hell, being incased in my own fear and held together by the container I live in, the pain isn’t the only thing, far from it. Coursing through my veins is a mistrust that has left a trail of destruction in its wake.

Front and back cover of the road to mental wellness - 8 sings your relationship is hurting your mental health.
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Symptoms of PTSD

I guess it’s not a stretch to say that these are the top three of the worst symptoms. Therefore, I consider them nightmare fuel for my depression. And I wonder why my progress is slow. When I stop and look at it all, the root cause seems to be the hypervigilance. Maybe a better way to think of it is that this constant activation of fear is the common denominator.

I am exhausted, but not ready to surrender, and I may be terrified, but grateful to be alive.

Healing is slow, but I am not yet ready to go, I am willing to soldier on,

until the trauma is all but gone.

Jonathan Arenburg

My advice to others suffering from PTSD, depression, or any mental illness: Is measuring every inch of progress as a major sucess? In my case, if it weren’t for therapy, I would be locked in the confines of the bedroom I call home. Yet despite this, I am sitting here in a cafe writing this blog post. With that said, I am ready to call it a day. I have reached my limit and that’s okay… It’s a major win for me that I get out at all. So, what’s your success story? Let me know!

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Jonathan Arenburg

Jonathan Arenburg is a mental health blogger, S speaker, writer, and published author; He is also the host of the mental wellness podcast, #thewellnesstalksHe has also appeared in the i'Mpossible's Lemonade Stand III. He has also been a contributing writer for Mental health talk, a column in his local paper. In addition, he has also written for the mental health advocacy organization; Sick Not Weak.Jonathan has also appeared on several mental health-related podcasts Including: A New Dawn, The Depression Files, Books and Authors, and Men Are Nuts. Since being put off work because of PTSD, Jonathan has dedicated his time to his mental wellness journey while helping others along the way.Educated as an addictions' counsellor, he has dedicated most of his professional life of eighteen years, working with those who have intellectual disabilities, behavioural challenges, and mental illness.He has also spent fifteen years in the volunteer fire service helping his community.His new book (2021), “The Road To Mental Wellness,” goes into detail about his life-long battle with depression, anxiety and more recently, PTSD. In it, he hopes to provide insight on how mental illness cultivates over a lifetime and, if not recognized and treated, how it impacts the entirety of one's life; right from childhood into the adult years. Jonathan lives with his two children in Nova Scotia, Canada.

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