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The Cross Roads Of Uncertainty

The Cross Roads Of Uncertainty - Another opportunity to improve my mental health has come to my attention. However, it could be too risky

The Cross Roads Of Uncertainty – Another opportunity to improve my mental health has come to my attention. However, it could be the riskiest one I’ve ever taken.

Today I sit at the crossroads of uncertainty and as I stand in the intersection, I am frozen. Each road that lies in front of me, is one that I have never been down before. All I know is, I have no choice but to choose a direction. The question that keeps playing in my mind? “Do all these paths eventually lead to the road to mental wellness? Similarly, I find myself asking, “what am I going to do?”

Yesterday, during an appointment with my general practitioner, she suggested that perhaps I try a different anticonvulsant. For those of you who don’t know; I have Epilepsy and the meds I take are for it, render the behaviour meds useless. (Read: Medications – At An Impasse).

Since I’ve been seizure free since 1994, this decision requires a lot of thought; it’s a decision that I can’t take lightly. With so much uncertainty, I find myself sliding into a depressive episode. Unfortunately, in these moments I am incapable of making good decisions.

Don’t you wish that sometimes there will be somebody else, some magical being that would make these decisions for you? I sure do. However, when I look around as I stand at the fork in the road, there is only me. And at the end of the day, it is up to you to make the best possible decision for your own mental health

If you are struggling, please go here for help: Crisis Services Canada

Photo by Domen Mirtič Dolenec on – The Cross Roads Of Uncertainty

So, if I choose the route of a different anticonvulsant, what does it do? Will it only partially protect me from seizures? What if it doesn’t work, and I end up disabled from epilepsy and PTSD? There are so many questions. And despite that fact, I can’t live like this forever – there’s so much to consider. I know I will have to do something.

At this juncture, the mental pain from the nightmares and the constant startle response are way too much. For example, a crowded restaurant is enough to traumatized me for an entire day; sometimes longer. while I’ve learned mindfulness another strategic coping tools, they proved to be useless in scenarios like this.

The biggest painful aspect? The world itself has become way too loud. In fact, the world is so loud and so busy that many places I seek refuge, are inundated with some noise in the background. A loud muffler, I Harley booming off in the distance, and sometimes you catch ringtone, a song or video off in the distance from some other hiker. What’s a fellow with PTSD to do?

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while it’s true, that my future remains uncertain, I know that I have to choose a path.  Fortunately for myself, I’ve been battling mental illness long enough to know that I must make an informed decision. Furthermore, I need to base on the help of the medical and mental health professionals. For example, I will now consult with my psychiatrist after talking to my doctor. The takeaway here? When it comes to your health, mental or physical, you must be armed with the best possible knowledge. While this can be overwhelming, it can be less so if one draws up a plan.

So, for example, for now I will put the options my doctor gave me up on a shelf and wait for my psychiatrist appointment. I want to see what her expert opinion is? It’s OK to be in purgatory while you wait for some good information as to how to proceed forward. The idea is to heal, not cause more mental pain.

In conclusion, I think it is best for all of us to make informed decisions and the best way to do this? Is to understand your particular type of mental illness. For example, PTSD can cause one to make some impulsive decisions. Knowing that, it’s even more important that I listen to the experts. Well ultimately your path is yours to choose what I am suggesting is that you choose it wisely. After all you deserve to have the best shot you can possibly have to get better. I’m rooting for you.

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Jonathan Arenburg.
Jonathan Arenburg.

Jonathan Arenburg is a mental health blogger, writer, and published author; appearing in the i’Mpossible’s Projects Lemonade Stand III. He has also been a contributing writer for Mental health talk, a column in his local paper. In addition, he has also written for the mental health advocacy organization; Sick Not Weak.

Jonathan has also appeared on several mental health-related podcasts Including: A New Dawn, The Depression Files, Books and Authors, and Men Are Nuts. Since being put off work because of PTSD, Jonathan has dedicated his time to his mental wellness journey while helping others along the way.

Educated as an addictions’ counsellor, he has dedicated most of his professional life of eighteen years, working with those who have intellectual disabilities, behavioural challenges, and mental illness.

He has also spent fifteen years in the volunteer fire service helping his community.

His book, “The Road To Mental Wellness,” goes into detail about his life-long battle with depression, anxiety and more recently, PTSD. In it, he hopes to provide insight on how mental illness cultivates over a lifetime and, if not recognized and treated, how it impacts the entirety of one’s life, right from childhood into the adult years. Jonathan lives with his two children in Nova Scotia, Canada.


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