Yesterday, I had a moment of disassociation. I awoke to a pounding headache and a huge weight of dread made me unfocused and slow to move. Despite this feeling, I sat in front of my computer and did my best to write a blog post; but the screen remained pure white.
This dread, it powered me down into safe mode, protecting my brain from overproducing too much emotion. So, what lye at the core of this emergency shutdown? My kids, I haven’t seen them in weeks so sometimes, it’s gut-wrenchingly difficult. I had a micro panic when I thought about the potential length of time would go by before I saw them again. Could this have been the catalyst?
Be kind to yourself, ok.
Moreover, my track record for handling new pain and old alike has been, well, let’s just say if I was being graded, I would have a solid D. With that said, my old brain has to cope somehow and because I am far from mentally robust; a moment of disassociation was its only defence.
Hardly a superpower, I found myself looking at the computer screen but not. I was somewhere else, gone and lost in a sort of protective mental safe space; my surrounding environment closed in on me like walls in an ancient pyramid. I likened it to a small child hiding in the perceived safety of a closet.
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As to how much time went by, I can’t say, all I do know is something brought me back. Something, whatever it was, lifted the trance. From there, I started taking inventory of all the things around me; this was in an effort to fully restore me to reality.
Hey, you’ve made it this far.
Mindfulness was a lifesaver in this case, as it often is; I am grateful for the skills I have acquired that help me zero in on the present especially after such a moment of disassociation.
I think its perfectly natural to have your mental health condition buzzing at high alert given the times we’re in, so be kind to yourself, ok. We are in fact in uncharted waters with this outbreak, you will be triggered, depressed, anxious and yes, some may even have a moment of disassociation. What’s important is to use your coping skills and understand that mental illness can be all about riding the wave. It will wash over you and you will come out the other side of it to fight another day. Hey, you’ve made it this far.
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