Got Fooled Again

Every time I feel free from mental illness, it comes roaring back and I Can’t believe I got fooled again.

Jonathan Arenburg
Jonathan Arenburg

Jonathan is a mental health blogger, published author, and speaker. He has appeared in numerous newspapers and has been a guest on many podcasts.

The dominating force that is mental illness is an indecisive old entity; cruel beyond measure, it teases with moments where you are free from its grasp – then, like that of the head torturer, it throws you back into your prison cell once it’s convinced you are free. I knew in my heart that I was fooled again.

Since just before the new year, I have been enjoying the refreshing air of happiness. Believe me, I have been breathing it in – much like you would on a crisp fall evening. Sure, I could self-sabotage this inner peace, but the last depressive episode was so intense, all I feel is relief.

It’s a reminder that mental illness still holds a firm grip over my ability to consistently live my life.

One area I have been successful in, in terms of my illness recovery, is in the department of rumination. Although it tends to go to shit on all things PTSD related, I’m able to hold on to the morsels of “happy” that come my way.

However, I suck at dealing with loud noises, people and sudden bangs or crashes. It’s just too much despite the ongoing efforts to learn mindfulness. I guess I have yet to harness its powers to the degree where I can handle it.

complete list of PTSD symptoms here

Looking back on this period of joy, I see that after the holidays, everything returned to peace and quiet; the floodgates of relief opened because I felt safe. So, even though I wasn’t turning the corner on my healing journey, this moment was still worthy of my embrace. When on top of the world, I always secretly hope that something cured me of my disorders. Fooled again.

The best advice I can give you is not to self-sabotage your happy

Just yesterday, I started to feel the push towards my cell, slowly overtaking me as I resume the everyday busy of life and being forced to reintegrate myself back into the fray of possible death and destruction. It’s a reminder that mental illness still holds a firm grip over my ability to consistently live my life.

Like what you are reading? try Learned to Think on the Fly

Front and back cover of the road to mental wellness - 8 sings your relationship is hurting your mental health.
Find out more below – Written for therapeutic release, published in hopes it helps you.

What keeps me from losing hope, from descending into depths too low to free myself, is the moments of happiness. So, the best advice I can give you is not to self-sabotage your happy moments with thoughts that place you back in your cage, thoughts like “Today is going too well – how will that be ruined?” When we do that, we quickly find a reason to say, “I told me so.”

“We get to choose where we put our energy”

John Arenburg.
Jonathan Arenburg

Jonathan Arenburg is a mental health blogger, S speaker, writer, and published author; He is also the host of the mental wellness podcast, #thewellnesstalksHe has also appeared in the i'Mpossible's Lemonade Stand III. He has also been a contributing writer for Mental health talk, a column in his local paper. In addition, he has also written for the mental health advocacy organization; Sick Not Weak.Jonathan has also appeared on several mental health-related podcasts Including: A New Dawn, The Depression Files, Books and Authors, and Men Are Nuts. Since being put off work because of PTSD, Jonathan has dedicated his time to his mental wellness journey while helping others along the way.Educated as an addictions' counsellor, he has dedicated most of his professional life of eighteen years, working with those who have intellectual disabilities, behavioural challenges, and mental illness.He has also spent fifteen years in the volunteer fire service helping his community.His new book (2021), “The Road To Mental Wellness,” goes into detail about his life-long battle with depression, anxiety and more recently, PTSD. In it, he hopes to provide insight on how mental illness cultivates over a lifetime and, if not recognized and treated, how it impacts the entirety of one's life; right from childhood into the adult years. Jonathan lives with his two children in Nova Scotia, Canada.

Please leave a comment and tell us what you liked about what you read.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.