Every time I feel free from mental illness, it comes roaring back and I end up being fooled again.
The dominating force that is mental illness is an indecisive old entity; cruel beyond measure, it teases with moments where you are free from its grasp – then, like that of the head torturer, it throws you back into your prison cell once it’s convinced you are free. I knew in my heart that I was fooled again.
Since just before the new year, I have been enjoying the refreshing air of happiness. Believe me, I have been breathing it in – much like you would on a crisp fall evening. Sure, I could self-sabotage this inner peace but the last depressive episode was so intense, all I feel is relief.
It’s a reminder that mental illness still holds a firm grip over my ability to consistently live my life.
One area I have been successful in, in terms of my illness recovery, is in the department of rumination. Although it tends to go to shit on all things PTSD related, I’m able to hold on to the morsels of “happy” that come my way.
However, I suck at dealing with loud noises, people and sudden bangs or crashes. It’s just too much despite the ongoing efforts to learn mindfulness. I guess I have yet to harness its powers to the degree where I can handle it.
Looking back on this period of joy, I see that after the holidays, everything returned to peace and quiet; the floodgates of relief opened because I felt safe. So, even though I wasn’t turning the corner on my healing journey, this moment was still worthy of my embrace. When on top of the world, I always secretly hope that something cured me of my disorders. Fooled again.
The best advice I can give you is not to self-sabotage your happy
Just yesterday, I started to feel the push towards my cell, slowly overtaking me as I resume the everyday busy of life, and being forced to reintegrate myself back into the fray of possible death and destruction. It’s a reminder that mental illness still holds a firm grip over my ability to consistently live my life.
Like what you are reading? try Learned to Think on the Fly
What keeps me from losing hope, from descending into depths too low to free myself, is the moments of happiness. So, the best advice I can give you is not to self-sabotage your happy moments with thoughts that place you back in your cage, thoughts like “Today is going too well – how will that be ruined?” When we do that, we quickly find a reason to say “I told me so.”
“We get to choose where we put our energy”John Arenburg.
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