I Feel Nothing For Christmas
Christmas is traditionally my favourite time of the year… So what’s happened?
Just this week, I have started to snap out of a depressive episode that lasted for over a month. It was so severe in fact, that I seldom left my bedroom little lone my home. Unfortunately, a residual side effect of this episode is that I feel nothing for Christmas.
Even though the mental illness storm is starting to lift and I’m able to venture into the real world once more, I am surprised to discover I that I feel, well, I feel nothing.
If there was a way to measure the pulse of emotion, I’m certain that mine would be mostly a flat line with the occasional beep of short lived joy.
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This is new to my experience, I can’t recall a time where I was meh about everything. A fact that I’m very troubled by for sure. I guess one could say that I feel indifferent.
Sadly, my love for Christmas is not immune to this monotone phenomenon. It may sound a little cliche but it’s traditionally the most wonderful time of the year for me. I have spent the majority of life putting family first. We are all on borrowed time, so naturally, when this time of year rolls around, I’m filled with excitement.
For many, simply going through the motions makes how they already feel worse.
Christmas can be very taxing on people mentally. The stress of the holidays accumulates and as it does, it robs many of the joy they are supposed to feel. I don’t even feel that. Stress is not a factor this year. I guess I can thank the lack of feeling for that. Good and bad in everything they say.
I have however, made up my mind that this numbing feeling is only temporary and I will, like many of my darkened days, get to the other side of it. For that is my resolve.
For many, simply going through the motions makes how they already feel worse. But is pushing yourself to get through the season really such a bad thing? In my view, its the right thing to do. You only have two courses to take in this situation; you can plug away it and get through it or you can remove yourself from it. The latter is defiantly less helpful.
Personally, I’ll be dammed if I allow this lack of feeling take out the first Christmas I’m indifferent about.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore how you are feeling and abandoned your need for self care. Rest when you need to and remove yourself if it gets to be too much. what I’m suggesting is that you mentally pace yourself so you can make the most of the big day. This is my plan. I know that my mental health is such that I can’t immerse myself in all that hustle and bustle so I do what I can and make no analogize for it.
So, why do I think it’s fundamental to crawl your way through it? Because if you do, it gives you the opportunity to have a moment where the dark is lifted, the pain is subsided and you form memories that last a life time.
Personally, I’ll be dammed if I allow this lack of feeling take out the first Christmas I’m indifferent about. I will solider on because I will increase my odds of being reunited with my love for the season. If this happens, that’s all I will truly want for Christmas this year.
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