As I get further away from the life I once knew, I become more fearful of the future.
As time puts distance between where I am today and the life I lived for twenty years, my uncertainty grows. Running parallel to this uncertainly is a feeling of being fearful for the future. Once I was diagnosed with PTSD and the compensation was approved, I was freed up to think about tomorrow. So,, what does my future hold in store for me? A question that wreaks havoc with my anxiety.
Although a long way off from having to come up with an answer, I find myself entertaining it, a lot.
I guess one could say I am putting the cart before the horse, maybe that’s true but, nonetheless, as time goes on I feel more and more useless. I have spent my entire life off the wall busy, now, there are many days where I find it a chore to look at my phone. How does one deal with such a drastic turn? As discouraged as I am, I still fight on.
I am trying to wiggle my way out and run towards some semblance of joy.
During this turbulent time, I will find the answers I seek but first, I must get well; Get strong enough to cope with the symptoms of trauma and its accompanying depression. Even though I know I have to continue the fight, I feel more and more like an astronaut, free-floating through the vastness of space. I don’t know where to turn, all I’m doing is hurling towards nothing.
Not only do I feel like I am heading towards nothing, but I also feel nothing. For the best part of a month, depression has held me in its unforgiving grip. Though it has loosened somewhat, I am trying to wiggle my way out and run towards some semblance of joy.
This is a road that I have been down before, its old hat for me really. I am willing to bet that many of you have also felt the invisible weight of a depressive episode. having suffered for years is how I know that episodes of mental pain come to an end, eventually. Even so, I can’t seem to be fearful for the future
This unequivocal fact is what keeps me holding on while I ride the wave. I find it very useful to give myself permission to rest for ten to forty minutes a day on my bed in absolute silence. This will keep the dark at bay for most of the day. It’s important to understand that giving in to the pain and staying in bed is very dangerous to one’s mental health so try to limit your time.
The most important thing here is that we have too much to live for to stop searching for the answers…… Even when we are fearful of the future
Also, I have found that it’s important to celebrate your successes no matter how small. So if that means you are able to go to from the bed to the couch then, that’s amazing. It’s a huge win because depression makes it feel like the easiest tasks seem like the most difficult.
I may have huge concerns about what my future will look like but if I remain fixated on them, how can I get better? It will simply add another dimension that hinders the healing process.
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That’s why being mindful in the moment is so essential. Mindfulness can help us stay in the moment and if practiced, it becomes more and more automatic. Getting better is where we need to put our energy. If we continue to fixate on the future with fear, it leaves little room to worry about the now. What do I do about what’s right in front of me? For example; am I currently anxious or I am feeling depressed at present?
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There are a lot of different psychotherapy options out there, including therapy centred around mindfulness. Personally, I am a huge advocate of multiple approaches. Taking part in yoga or meditation classes can help to center you in on the now and may even alleviate your mental pain.
The bottom line? We need to get better, that means we must stay focused and deal with the mental illness or illnesses we have been inflicted with. Sometimes, one option isn’t enough. Sometimes we need to take a holistic approach to healing. The most important thing here is that we have too much to live for to stop searching for solutions in the right here, the right now…… Keep going.
If you are struggling please go here: Crisis Services Canada