The heavy dread of mental illness confines me into the perpetual act of absolute avoidance and in doing so, denies me the quality of life that I so long for. I have been suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD for so long now that a normal shot at happy seems as far fetched as winning the lottery.
A very sad way of seeing it, but the fact is it’s hard not to feel this way. I feel like I’m continuously on an elevator going from the basement floor to the first floor, then back to the basement floor again. This elevator analogy is a good representation of how my mental wellness journey is going. I seemingly start to make my way towards healing only to have the doors slam shut and then I am forced to the dark and isolating basement once more.
I can’t speak for anyone else suffering from a mental disorder but I can tell you that for me, this constant glimmer of hope, this peek at an opportunity of realizing a full and rich life once more, then having the fear, heavy dread and anxiety forced me to the bottom floor, thus robbing me of a sense of normalcy, only amplifies all of the symptoms I suffer from. I do have a lot of professional supports in place however, the systems in which govern them can sometimes slow these supports to a crawl. This is nothing sort of mental torture at times, the byproduct of this torture is emotional degradation, a direct hit on my affect. The biggest tragedy of it all is the exacerbation of all the mental illnesses themselves. So for example, my depression robs me of the joy of those things I used to love and looked forward to. Everything has systematically had the shine stripped off of it and worsened by this wait.
Then what can I do to find the passion for life again? Where can I go to find the self that used to love fitness and nutrition? two of the things I had a passion for. I used to feel great sadness for having lost the drive for these things, and I still do to some degree but I feel like I can’t stand idle waiting for the love for them to return, what if they never do? I have decided that instead of mourning these losses, it was better for me to take action. I decided that I have a need to discover new passions. I have been on a mission to do just that ever since.
I discovered that finding new passions requires effort, nonetheless, I embarked on the unknown. Interestingly enough, the idea of looking for a new “thing” to fall in love with gave me the shot in the arm I needed. I have always had this need to create, a need that I constantly denied. It was always floating around in the back of my head, longing to break free but my fears always held my true desire captive.
|My passion: Writing about mental illness.|
What is this passion you ask? well, you’re reading it. I have always wanted to write, so I went for it. Being off work I had nothing to lose and nothing constructive to do and so, The Road To Mental Wellness was born. It has ignited a small flame in my heart, one just large enough to keep me going. I am hopeful that it will be the catalyst that will propel me down the road to wellness.
maybe you have a need to find new passions too?
You may also enjoy The Birth Of A Healing journey: Welcome To The Road To Mental Wellness.
Contact me on Facebook: facebook.com/TRTMW