Then, the what’s wrong scanner booted up. Have you ever gone along feeling mentally pain free then, BAM! you feel like you should worry, so then you do?
The night before last was jammed packed full of PTSD nightmares; Likely brought on by recent events. Earlier this month, one of my family members had a medical emergency. With that said, she is doing well now; a fact I am very grateful for.
However, my autopilot feature, a switch that makes us firefighters leap into action without a single thought to our own wellbeing; was stuck in the run position. Since my fire service days its become part of the way I deal. I guess, it was disengaged the other night because the terrors of the fire service played out in my slumber like some bad horror flick. As it turns out, it was a double feature, as one of many work related incidents aired just after. Of course, as you might well imagine, yesterday was a day full of flashbacks and rage.
A difference a Day makes.
Now, lets fast-forward to this morning, from the second I opened my eyes, I felt great! In fact, I felt so good that I felt a huge sense of relief and peace. And like basking in the warm sunlight, I soaked it all in.
Then, the what’s wrong scanner booted up. I know what the heck is a what’s wrong scanner? Well, It’s a feeling that my anxietyproduces when it doesn’t detect something to worry about, kinda sad really. So, this morning’s moment of normality must have tripped it, my anxiety alarm. It seems I am conditioned to worry regardless if I need to or not.
Because it detected a bout of homeostasis, my anxious brain said; “what the… there must be something here to worry over?” Let me tell you, the second I thought that, a low grade worry popped out of nowhere. Yay, me!
Since the what’s wrong scanner kicked in, the dull ache of worry has, much to my dismay, persisted. Nonetheless, the takeaway here is; I have made myself aware of it. Although I really dislike the feeling of dread it produces, thankfully, I know how to fix it; Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com
Whenever I am feeling anxiety’s power, I find running to be my best remedy. In fact, I often call it mother nature’s medication because it works so well.
Finally, I want to stress that if this sounds like you, I want you to know that you’re not broken. Anxiety can be managed once you learn how. This can be achieved through therapy,
Within the last year I have had two close calls where family members have been seriously sick or injured. While I will leave out the details, what I will say is; I am so very lucky that they are still here to hug.
So then, why am I going through the trouble of being this to your attention? Well, because I wanted to share my process of coping. Once I looked at it, the way I dealt with both incidents, I was surprised; although admittedly, looking back, I shouldn’t have been.
But as they say, hindsight is 20/20 and for me, refection is where I do most of my learning. As far as I can tell, I dealt with them in several ways; which is to say, initially, I didn’t deal with either incident at all.
Furthermore, in their aftermath, I forgot to look after myself; not surprising, after all, that’s what us helpers do, right? While this may be true, I think there can be no denying that its super unhealthy.
In light of my helper Achilles heel, not looking after myself, I have recently wondered; why I deal or, rather, don’t deal with emergencies well anymore?
Firstly, the helper, “I’ll be ok” method of dealing has always been the norm for me. However, since I have been diagnosed with PTSD, my process has mutated in a sense. If that weren’t bad enough, my years in the fire service also mess with my healing; As such, a slow degradation of my mental health has instilled terror in me over the slightest possibility of crisis in my life.
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So, after much thought, I have come up with my own list of stages and factors of how I deal with emergency situations; especially personals ones. Maybe they will heal in some why. Furthermore, I will explain to you how I deal with a depressive or traumatic episode.
Photo by Vladislav Murashko on Pexels.com – the way I deal
The stages during and after a personal emergency – The way I deal
Autopilot
This is a term I learned in the fire service. It’s a great term to use because it perfectly sums up where a firefighters head goes when responding/tending to an emergency. Basically, autopilot is switched on by the need to mitigate a given incident; autopilot, when engaged, puts one in the “What do we have to do to get this done mode” In other words, it cancels out the background noise of what’s going on. This comes in handy because the last thing one needs is to be distracted by the chaos, the blood, the sounds, the fact that another human is in distress and so on.
What I have discovered is this; I remain conditioned to this autopilot feature; even long after my years in the service. So, when an emergency arises like those in my family for example, this switch gets flipped. A wonderful feature when in the emergency, but afterwards, not so much. when autopilot stays in the on position well beyond the incident itself, it always does more harm than good.
As I had mentioned, both incidents turned out for the better. Whenever this happens, I can’t help but feel grateful for it. So much so, I feel a strong sense of happy. Now, when I talk to my family members, I call attention to them and think about just how lucky I am to still have them. This in itself is a wonderful way to think. There is however, only one problem though; my major depressive disorder. I bet you’re wondering, “how can being grateful possibly have a bad side, even with depression?” Well, firstly, it in itself isn’t a bad thing, but a depressive mindset can corrupt it in a sense. Essentially, depression turns it into a trigger point with its negative dialogue. I always practice gratitude despite it though because it can make a depressive episode shorter. I know, it’s complicated.
3. PTSD
Now, we can’t forget PTSD’s role in all this. Sadly, I can be shot down the rabbit hole of post-traumatic hell if I’m not careful. To be more specific, If I don’t manage it well, it will come for me. With my guard down and my thoughts preoccupied, It can easily invade my dreams, morphing them into nightmares; making flashbacks more vivid and turn me into a hypervigilance, easily started hot mess.
Finally, at the end of all, I crash and crash with the might of a meteor. In this stage, my bed becomes my safe harbour and I fully embrace it; for a short time, I give in. Hitting a low happens when the unseen symptoms of PTSD and depression overtake me, sucking out my life force until lifting my head is a monumental task.
But…. There is hope – the things I do to recover
The Reset
Can being down and out, secluded in bed for a time be a good thing? Well, yes and no. Firstly, if you choose to make your darkness you home for extended periods of time, this is not healthy, however, if you give yourself permission to take a day or two, it can be a great reset. Myself, I will never bend to its will, therefore, I get my ass moving again as soon as possible
Now, this doesn’t mean that I am operating at full capacity either; it means I know how far to push myself. For example, I usually start out small, hanging around the house, maybe write a little etc. Then, I will force social contact. For instance, I go to a quiet café with a friend. This is a fairly typical strategy for me. After that I dial up my busy or dial it down, it all depends on my mental disposition at any given moment.
2. Forced Social Contact
As I mentioned, after the reset, I force myself to be social. While it might not seem appropriate, it is in fact, the only way I get to have so semblance of a life. Again, its essential to know your aliments and your own personal limits. Once one knows them, you can reintegrate as tolerated. Similarly, one can pull back when needed.
3. Continued support from mental health professionals.
What’s been fundamental in learning my own limits and how my mental illnesses impact me, has been therapy. A necessity in my books. Furthermore, with the guidance of my psychologist, I have built better mindfulness skills and other tools that have helped strengthen my resilience. With the use of EMDR and cognitive behavioural therapy for example, I have slowly worked towards conditioning my cognition to overcome my symptoms.
Check out below for books on mindfulness, EMDR and cognitive
We all know that if we don’t use tools we can fix what’s broken. The same is true of acquired coping tools. For me, the tendency at first was to give up on them; sighting that they “don’t work”. But skill building takes time, regardless of the skill. In my case, I had to learn to be kind to myself. Remember, healing is a marathon, not a race. With they said, medications can be helpful for many. Sadly, I was not open to the idea of origin, but I ended up being in so much mental pain that I ended up saying yes to them, desperate to dull the pain. They work, at ;east somewhat. Because of them, I can better cope with the suicidal ideation.
5.Rest
Having all the above mentioned things in place, allows for a rapid recharge if you will. Thankfully, this has reduced my stents in bed and has given me the strength to overcome mental illnesses’ persuasive talk.
Thanks to the hard work and determination to do what ever it takes to get better; I recognize that falling victim to my mental health conditions won’t get me down the road to mental wellness. Understanding that secluding myself for long periods of time is what depression wants, I can now rest when I need to without fearing that I will remain there.
A healthy bout of rest (a day or two) is best.
You can read all about other people’s stories at Sick Not Weak
Finally, but no less important is exercise. I often refer to physical activity as mother nature’s medication. Why? Simply put, it makes me feel great. In fact, it can shorten any downtime I experience. And the beauty of it all? The options are endless. From walking, to running, to lifting weights to yoga; there is such a variety that its very likely that you can find something that works for you.
Below are some options to help get you started on your fitness journey
For me, running melts away anxiety better than any medication can but with that said, all forms of exercise have a positive effect. As a result, I will never regret putting myself through it.
Well, there it is for all the world to see, this is the way I deal when I go through tragedy
In closing, I have learned that the healing process requires action, therefore, whether I want to or not, I must do! From my perspective, action is where the solution lays. The above mentioned items are the way forward.
Jonathan Arenburg
Jonathan Arenburg is a mental health blogger, writer and published author; appearing in the i’Mpossible’s Lemonade Stand III. He has also been a contributing writer for Mental health talk, a column in his local paper. In addition, he has also written for the mental health advocacy organization; Sick Not Weak.
Jonathan has also appeared on several mental health-related podcasts Including: A New Dawn, The Depression Files and Men Are Nuts Since being put off work because of PTSD, Jonathan has dedicated his time to his mental wellness journey while helping others along the way.
